Living Life

When one has a friend
He has the world

When one has a wife
He has all the love he needs

When one has a pet
He’s never lonely

When one has an enemy
He’s not always happy

When one has a rival
He puts up his best

When one believes in fate
He no longer wishes

When one chooses his path
He is never certain

When one has faith
He feels strong

When one gives
He cares

When one loves
He deserves

When one believes he would
He will

When one suffers
He is alive

When one fails
He succeeds

When one tries
He never cries

When one sees
He believes

When one regrets
He learns

When one thinks
He controls

When one is unaware
He hits bottom

When one is alert
He bounces sky-high

When one cries
He is to blame

When one smiles
He makes a difference…



If one’s conscious life is too rigid, too regimented, then the surface may crack at times, and we are unprepared for the strange emotions or sensations we experience. Free yourself from your binding thoughts and let your instincts lead the way to joy. Face life with a fiery temperament and you’ll be gifted with fortune. It comes only to those who dares to seek. Life's like that.

Crystal Water

"You are the best among the best. Wait for me and I'll be back. Just one year. I'll give you a call every night before I go to bed okay?"

I still hear the echoes of his words in my ears. Those voices in my head. I wanted to tell him that I was no longer the wife he had expected me to be. He was away for a year and things have changed far more towards desperation than he could ever expect. I have sinned badly and I regret badly. There is no excuse. Some mistakes are irredeemable. One would not know or understand the true pain of regret unless by experience.

Just a year after our marriage, Dylan had to go for a research expedition along the coast of the Mediterranean Sea. He is a marine biologist and he spends most of his time on Crystal Water the ship he works on. I was left behind alone. It was my own choice. I did not want to lose my own job. I need a career to live on with. And that was that.

Six months passed, and he never failed to call me every night. Just as he promised. Dylan is always sweet and full of enthusiasm and when it comes to me, he'd always go "If there is a moment when I fail to move, it is when I look into your eyes." I missed him terribly. When he was away, my colleague Ryan would drop by my house to see if things are okay with me. He was a close friend of mine and he was an asset to me especially when Dylan was not around. We went out for dinner occasionally and we had light drinks over the weekend to release stress from work. Things worked out pretty well for me but it did not end well.

It was raining heavily that night. Autumn rain felt cold. Ryan and me were having our normal Saturday night out, drinking. We had a bottle of Chateau Fussignac Bourdeaux. Dark ruby coloured wine. Fruity but seductive. It felt nice when it flowed pass my palate. We talked for a while and enjoyed listening to some fine Mozart's. By the time we decided to leave, it was late and the downpour seemed to be heavier. Ryan took the wheels and slowly we to headed to my house. Upon reaching, I invited Ryan to stay at mine instead of traveling far North to his house. It was dangerous. The road to his grange was not well lit and with the storm coming in, it would have been difficult for him. So, it was decided that Ryan stays.

The guest room was for Ryan for the night and I cleaned it up a little. I gave him dry clothes to change. It was Dylan's. It fitted perfectly. We were not feeling sleepy and sat down on the sofa for a movie. After some time looking for a suitable movie, Ryan chose to watch P.S. I Love You. I bought that one a few months ago but never watched. I was scared I would fall to tears as I was truly missing Dylan and a romantic movie like that would not help. Then again, I did not say no to Ryan's choice and we watched together. As the plot developed, my heart grew softer and softer to fragile. I didn't speak one word to Ryan. I was unaware that I had my head on his lap. Cold crystals were rolling down my cheeks.

I was cold, I felt weak and still felt the effect of alcohol in me. The movie ended. I did not budge from Ryan's lap. He thought I was asleep and carried me to my bed. He was about to go, when I stopped him and asked him to lay down by my side. I know deep inside, Ryan had a heart for me a long time before I was married to Dylan. He hesitated but I insisted. The temptation I felt was hard to resist, emptiness, loneliness and I felt as if I had to fill it with something; someone. We made love in that chilly night. Hoping that the autumn rain would wash away the sin we were about to commit. Little did I know, it was temporary. Regret was inevitable.

It was too late. I had enjoyed every bit of the night and my flesh felt warm after a long time. The sun was up and I woke up and found myself naked with Ryan by my side. Damn. Its not Dylan, what have I done? Remorse jolted up to my brain and anguish was hard to restrain. I felt hard to swallow. I went for the shower and took a long bath. Water seemed to heal temporarily. I stepped out and dressed up. Ryan was up as well. His eyes strayed and locked when it met mine. I looked away, ashamed. He changed into his wet clothes and without uttering a word slipped out of my house. I know he was hit hard.

A few minutes after, my phone alarm went on. It was beside my bed and I reached for it. When I saw the screen, my heart shattered to pieces. Three calls unattended and it was Dylan. He had called me last night and I was unaware. He had left a voicemail.

"Sarah, I know you are asleep. Sorry I was late to call today, I forgot the timezone difference! Haha. Anyway, today I had fun playing with some dolphins around the cove. They looked sweet just like you, sweetheart. I took some pics and I emailed them to you. Check your inbox first thing in the morning okay! Love ya."

The pain was rushing in as I looked through the pictures Dylan had sent me. Each had a picture of him with a wide smile. And his cool blue eyes were looking at me. He trusted me. Damn it. Guilt was hard to take. I felt lost, my appetite was down and I skipped work for days then to weeks. Both Dylan and Ryan called me everyday but I answered none. I could not talk. Not a word more from my mouth. Then, one evening, Ryan dropped by to check me out. I refused to talk or listen. I could not lay my eyes on him. He took a pencil and wrote something on a paper and left it on my kitchen table and left.

I raced to the kitchen to read what he wrote. I was deprived off conversation and I needed one desperately even if it means in a written form. He had left something else in addition to the letter he wrote. I took no notice of the small envelope beside and started to read the letter first.

"Sarah, I know its hard to take. I am worried about you. You have been missing for weeks and you locked yourself in that house of yours. It was my mistake as well. I'm sorry. You need to go to Dylan. He's probably worried sick about you. I know you would have ignored his calls as well just like how you ignored mine. Go to Dylan, he would not be angry with you. Tell him the truth face to face. It would be the best thing for you to do. Please, I beg you. I got to know from a friend that Crystal Water is docked at Gibraltar. I booked a flight for you tomorrow morning. Decide wisely and call me when you are ready and I'll fetch you to the airport. I'm sorry again, Sarah."

Shocked I was. In the small envelope was a ticket for me to Gibraltar. He was serious and I'm undecided. Thoughts ran through my nerves and to my brain. Will Dylan forgive me? Will he accept me again? I don't know what I'll do when I meet him. I would faint. Do I have any other choices? No. None. I'm ready to take whatever it takes to meet him again. I love him. It doesn't matter if he hates me after but I need to tell him the truth.

And so, I boarded the flight and thanked Ryan for his concern. He really loved me. It was a long long flight and I spent most of my time thinking and wondering what will happen to me. It felt like months have passed when I reached Gibraltar. I had a cab to send me to the port. I walked to the docking area and I spotted Crystal Water from far. Dylan and I had cruised in it together once for our honeymoon. He insisted in showing me his place of work. That time it was different, all I felt was happiness but here I am once again in front of Crystal Water feeling so hopeless.

I stepped in with permission from a crew member who guarded the entrance. I saw him once I was on the deck. He was facing the sea. The wind was strong and blew his hair. I felt difficult to take another step forward. I'm here at last. In front of me is Dylan, my handsome Dylan. I stood there watching him in silence. I took a few short steps towards him and he senses someone was around. He looked back and I saw that mixed expression in his face. Happiness, loneliness and emptiness altogether.

I embraced him tightly. As tight as I can. Letting go of all the energy that was left in me. Idid not utter a word when he started questioning why I was there, how I came and all that sort of questions. I answered none. I just wanted every empty space in me to be filled by his warmth. I was crying and I opened my mouth to talk.

"Dylan, I'm sorry. I made a mistake. I'm here to tell you a truth. I could not keep it any longer."

"I'm listening dear, I'm listening.. be calm."

"I.. I.. I slept with another man Dylan. I.."

I could not finish my words and ended it just there. Dylan was confused and worried. He took me to his room and asked me to rest on the bed. He gave me a glass of water.

"Sarah, get hold of yourself and tell me what happened slowly. You don't have to rush."

I cuddled under him and closed my eyes and narrated for him the incident that night. I looked at him when I was finished. His eyes. They had tears in them. I had never seen that glow before. But he managed to control himself and the tears did not fall. I thought he would leave me for good. Instead, there he was by my side. He held me close to him and whispered to me.

"Its okay sweetheart. I forgive you. I'm happy you told me the truth. I know you love me. I won't leave you alone again. Never. I promise. I love you Sarah."

He planted a gentle kiss on my forehead and caressed my cheek. And I heard voices deep in my head. My conscience. It said :

"Desperation leads to desperate consequences."

Mistakes irredeemable

I had a long bath today
Water seems to heal things temporarily
But the air is still foul.

Genesis of Light

A chosen star who failed to shine
Once given, my heart is no longer mine

A new star was born tonight
With charming hues of red and light

Look back into the mirror I gave
The soul inside is sound and save

I wish you freedom
A star destined for stardom
Winds be your guide build your kingdom

It matters to me.
Today the voice was born.
My starlight.


I realized. Hoping too much, will not get you anywhere. Hope has its limit. Sometimes, it has the power to bring you down. Time and time again, the choice remained but one. A road taken and yet no other fork met. The choice was mine and so I'm walking it now. With contentment, without regret.

Time heals a wound but it can never take away what's engraved in the heart.

Choice

Many had wondered and asked me why. They still do.


Why of all universities did I choose Ryerson

Never heard of it.

Why didn't choose University of Toronto or McGill?

Ryerson is not even in the list of the top 200.

Hate it when it happens. I have my own reasons. I wanted to get out of my comfort zone; not around my friends that is. To achieve that, I don't care which Uni I choose because isolation was my first priority.

Start all afresh and you learn even more. To me, where you get the cert is not important. What matters is how you bring yourself up as you grow, character-wise.

Ku tak tahu nak letak tajuk apa

Ini adalah syair balas kawanku.

Embun mengenang di pagi hari,
Dilindungi kehijauan penuh seri,
Jangan teringat bab hidupmu yang ngeri,
Bersamamu ingin ku menari.

Kau bagiku, kawan sejati,
Gelak ketawamu amat bererti,
Ku pasti,
Hilang kepiluan yang terpahat di hati.

Kasih itu bagaikan harta,
Nilai kebahagiaan tidak terkata,
Hidup ini permainan yang nyata,
Menang, kalah bergantung kepada kita.

Jika kau inginkan bunga penyeri,
Ku dapatkan mawar malar sehari,
Mawar merah kusisip di jari,
Moga kau simpan buat memori.

Kepedasan hidup sukar ditelan,
Jalan yang mudah menjadi pilihan,
Jangan kau hidup terus berangan,
Bangun dan lari merentasi halangan.

Kesungguhan mu buat ku terharu,
Mengejar di pelosok penjuru,
Tabahkan hati rindu berlalu,
Fikirkan boleh dan terbang dahulu.

Pengalaman hidup tak mungkin lupus,
Wujud ia hingga nyawamu pupus.

Hidup ini nikmat tidak terharga,
Kasihi ia, semoga kau ke syurga.

Apa macam? Boleh tak?